Last week, Drew McIntyre returned as the fifth member of Team Flair and Rusev attacked Bobby Lashley during the dessert course. Tonight, it’s the go home RAW before Crown Jewel. Let’s see how the WWE tries to convince us we should spend our Halloween afternoon skipping work to watch this show!

Oh, this is a nice surprise. Paige is LIVE in St. Louis to open the show. It turns out she just wants to recognize the tag team she introduced to the world, the Kabuki Warriors. This all seems very face-like, but Kairi and Asuka are heels, right? As the trio enters the ring, we see the footage of Becky Lynch getting the green mist and I think I see what’s coming. As Paige begins to praise her team, Asuka and Kairi rudely interrupt and do what all classic WWE heels do, speak a foreign language. BOO! HOW DARE YOU NOT SPEAK ENGLISH! BOO! Just a reminder, it’s 2019, everybody. Anyway, as Paige scolds them for their rudeness, Asuka delivers the inevitable poison and Paige treats it like she accidently sprayed some perfume in her eye. That’s quite the no-sell there.

As ringside officials take forever to put some water on a towel, The Man enters the arena to take on Kairi Sane.

Becky Lynch vs. Kairi Sane

Becky comes out swinging and gets the better of Sane, but when they head outside the ring, Asuka gets involved and helps slow things down a bit. These two get a lot of time to work here as Becky spends most of the match wearing down Sane’s arm. The champ is eventually able to lock on the Disarm-her for the victory. Becky tries to offer a handshake but Kairi has a minor tantrum in the ring.

Vic asks Jerry about his interview later tonight with Rusev and Lana, and we revisit the events of last week. Dio provides some true relationship insight when he tells us, “This is exactly what happens when you take a man’s wife to a restaurant that he knows the location of.” Please tell me this whole thing is going somewhere interesting.

R-Truth is here, but without the 24/7 title. Before his match, R-Truth tells us he needs more eyes to watch his back after losing the championship to the Bollywood Boyz. So he has glasses now. R-Truth is similar to a really likeable stand-up comic who really only lands about 25% of his jokes.

R-Truth vs. Buddy Murphy

Buddy takes the mic to tell Truth that if he doesn’t know who Murphy is, he won’t forget after tonight. By the way, Truth is now wearing red jorts. Somebody tell Cena his gimmick is being stolen.

This match had some promise until the Singhs showed up with a line of pursuers for the 24/7 title. This leads to a goofy spot with a bunch of people running around the ring until Truth nearly gets counted out. He beats the count only for Murphy to land a knee to his face and get the pin. Truth then runs out through the crowd for no apparent reason.

Back from break, and the AOP says more words. They say the same things they’ve been saying for a while now, then tell us that’s all we get to hear this week. Well then.

The Street Profits are here and continue to desire that smoke. They enter the crowd and try to start a party, but no one really gets into it. What a bunch of squares. This is starting to look like example #556 of a main roster move nearly destroying an NXT success. Will they ever learn? After a few remarks and a half-hearted Smoke chant, the Profits return to the crowd to continue the lamest party ever. Yikes.

Flair, Hogan and Hart are here as the hard sell for Crown Jewel continues NEXT!

Back from the break and the old men are arguing in the ring. Hogan calls to the back and Ricochet is here to hopefully make us forget about Drew McIntyre tearing him apart last week. By the way, his opponent tonight is Drew McIntyre. Did Ricochet lose a bet?

Ricochet vs. Drew McIntyre

Some highflying offense from Ricochet to try to get the early advantage, but he’s still in pain from last week. Drew takes advantage and once again dominates for several minutes. Ricochet eventually gets an opening and sets Drew up for a 450 splash, but McIntyre is able to evade it. The One and Only rolls through and as he turns back to Drew, Randy Orton sneaks into the ring and hits an RKO out of nowhere! Ricochet wins by DQ, but who cares about victories? I mean, except for the match at Crown Jewel. Sometimes victories mean stuff, I guess.

Backstage, the OC has found Humberto Carrillo. They give him a pep talk and offer him a chance to challenge for the US title tonight. The OC calls Carrillo “amigo” a lot. 2019, folks.

Back from break in St. Louis and we have two dudes in Cubs gear waiting in the ring. They are introduced as Rizzo and Bryant, the Chicago Cubs. Someone was PAID to write this. Good lord.

Viking Raiders vs. (I can’t believe I have to type this) The Chicago Cubs

Please let this end quickly. Your Raw Tag Team Champions defeat The Chicago Cubs. Ugh. Vic tells us the Viking Raiders are continuing their dominance. Yup. By beating two jobbers dressed in Cubs uniforms. Sooooo dominant.

Lana and Bobby are preparing for their important interview. Tonight, we’re putting the ain’t in entertainment.

We return from commercial and Andrade is coming to the ring with Zelina. Sin Cara is ready to take the fight to Andrade and he has a masked friend. Carolina? Catalina? Let’s not quibble about small details.

Andrade (w/ Zelina Vega) vs. Sin Cara (w/ Carolina and/or Catalina)

Sin Cara tries to start fast, but is sent to the floor from the top turnbuckle to give Andrade the advantage. Sin Cara eventually gets control again, but when he rolls up Andrade, Zelina distracts the ref to miss the count. This brings Carolina/Catalina into the action as she throws Vega into the barricade. During this action, Andrade gets the roll-up and the win.

Backstage, Charlotte and Natalya are walking together. They team up (???) next!

Charlotte and Natalya vs. The IIconics

The IIconics are back on TV and Charlotte is teaming with Natalya for some reason. The announcers note that they’ve never teamed before, but they give us no rationale for it happening tonight. They talk about their pedigree, you know, like you describe dogs.

Corey Graves has a new podcast talking about all things WWE. Does that include Total Divas?

The Iiconics do plenty of damage on Natalya as Charlotte looks on helplessly. Flair gets fed up and jumps into the action, distracting Billie Kay long enough for Natalya to recover and lock in the Sharpshooter for the tapout.

I guess the AJ/Humberto match is non-title. My bad. P.S. Carrillo will get the win later. Yes, it’s that obvious.

Charly is chatting with Seth Rollins who has Erick Rowan later but is still obsessed with burning down Bray Wyatt’s house.

Seth Rollins vs. Erick Rowan – Falls Count Anywhere

The match quickly spills into the crowd and up to the arena concourse where Rowan puts Seth through a merch table. After a commercial break, we’re back around the ring where Seth tries to take over, but soon enough Rowan catches Seth and takes him to the announce table. Seth catches Rowan with the Curb Stomp on the table for a near fall. Rollins is surprised, even though he just gave the Fiend 40 billion Curb Stomps and couldn’t pin him either.

The action spills backstage. Rowan throws Seth into some particularly clangy pipes. Seth Curb Stomps Rowan on a ladder, then finds a convenient forklift along with an operator to trap Rowan for the pin.

Nothing about this was innovative or creative, despite what Vic says.

Aleister Black tells us he plans to decapitate whoever wants to pick a fight with him. So, maybe don’t?

By the way, Crown Jewel is Thursday. Just in case you weren’t aware.

The OC enters the arena as AJ prepares to face the upstart Humberto Carrillo NEXT!

AJ Styles vs. Humberto Carrillo – Non title match

We all know Carrillo is going to win this, right? Do we need to go through the motions on this one? Okay, fine. Carrillo gets the jump on AJ with his quick offense and maintains control for quite a while. AJ eventually catches Carrillo in a rookie mistake and locks in the Calf Crusher. Carrillo TAPS?!? What’s the point of doing a non-title match if you’re going to beat him anyway?

AJ returns to the ring to shake Carrillo’s hand, only to pull the old “too slow” Dad move. Humberto smacks the champ and AJ returns the favor with a Styles Clash. The OC threaten to gang up on Carrillo but the Street Profits are here to make the save. Look for a six-man match next week. Some of the crowd wants the smoke, but they may just be looking for something to dull the pain of this show.

Coming up next, the main event! An interview with Rusev and Lana. Yeah, that sounds about right tonight.

King’s Divorce Court with Rusev and Lana

Lawler says the point of this segment is to find out if divorce is the best option for these two. So the main event spot of the longest running wrestling show in history is a conversation that would usually happen in a mediator’s office over coffee and stale donuts?

Lana explains her actions by exposing that Rusev is a raging sex addict and that’s why she is with Bobby, making out every twenty seconds. Lana runs through all of the places Rusev wanted sex…holy crap, this is the worst. Lana eventually reveals that Bobby said Rusev cheated on her. And NOW he’s mad? Here comes Bobby and we end the show with the suitors fighting over Lana again. Lashley hits a spear and the lovebirds make out as they stand over Rusev’s fallen body. Mercifully, this night is over.

We did it, folks. We made it through another RAW. I’m proud of us. One RAW at a time, you know?

Until next week!