This review of Alien: Covenant will have spoilers so read on at your own peril. I normally don’t post spoilers in reviews but sometimes they are necessary.
Let me start by saying that despite not being a fan of Prometheus I was tremendously excited for this movie. It looked like a return to form for the franchise. I was SO ready for this. I was ready to forgive those parts of the previous movie I didn’t like (which was basically the last half) and I went into this with an open and excited mind.
That said, if you want to get an idea of where this review is headed, I give you my tweet immediately after the film. Warning, adult language.
Ridley Scott brought Alien into this world and he sure as fuck is doing his best to take it out. #AlienCovenant
— Garon Cockrell (@MyNameIsGaron) May 19, 2017
If that isn’t clear enough for you: I did not like this movie.
What began in Prometheus continues in Covenant: The slow unraveling of a franchise by the man who brought it to life.
I’m not sure we really know the truth about Prometheus. Was it always meant to be an Alien prequel? Did it start that way, change to something completely separate and then have to go back to being a prequel because of a rumor that went wildly out of control? I don’t know. What I do know is that the stuff that Scott brought into this film from Prometheus is pretty quickly done away with. I mean quickly in terms of when it’s introduced because it feels like it takes forever to get there.
*SPOILERS START HERE*
As far as I remember, Dr. Shaw and David took the Engineer ship to find the Engineers and learn about them and the origins of life and why they apparently want to destroy what they created. Am I misremembering that? What instead happens is David systematically wipes out the entire species as soon as he arrives by dropping their own virus upon them and thereby pretty much eliminating any connection to the purpose of the previous film. Including Dr. Shaw whom he apparently murdered while creating his monsters.
Let me hit that on the head for you: One of the scariest, fiercest creatures in cinematic history has been revealed to have been created by an apparently malfunctioning robot playing with what essentially are seeds.
Let that sink in while I go back to the beginning.
The Covenant is a colony ship heading to a new home way out in space somewhere. Walter (Fassbender) is monitoring everything when a neutrino wave or some such nonsense clearly lifted from Star Trek hits the ship and causes all sorts of problems not limited to killing numerous crew, including James Franco who we got to experience taking a nap before he is burnt to a crisp in what is one of the most unnecessary cameos in cinema history. This event leads them to discover a rogue signal of someone singing a John Denver song which in turn leads them to what should be a paradise planet they never knew was there before. So they go. That’s the quick version by the way. There is plenty of stilted acting to experience to get to that decision.
On the planet, they start investigating, disturb some plant pod things and boom now we’re infected with the Neomorph or whatever the hell it’s called. It’s not long before David and Shaw’s ship is discovered and the crewmen (god knows what their names were, you can’t tell one from another) that inhaled the spores are getting sick. This now sparks one of the very few good sequences in the movie – the rushing of a crewman back to the lander to the subsequent birth of the Neomorph. This is a pretty tense scene which ultimately just serves as a way to get rid of half the cast and it spirals into a complete rip-off of Jurassic Park 2 as more NMs rush through the high grass killing other crew members.
It’s about the last time this movie is actually entertaining. David, in his best Jedi outfit, arrives and scares off the creatures with a flare gun. After that, our remaining heroes unquestioningly follow him into the heart of the engineer’s city and it’s all down hill from here. For the most part.
What stands out are the unquestioningly weird and yet fascinating interactions between Walter and David both played wonderfully by Michael Fassbender. In fact, were it not for these performances this movie would be an unwatchable mess. Unfortunately, all of this is spoiled by the revelations of what David has done: created the xenomorph we know and love. Apparently, somehow he created the eggs that house the facehuggers, you know the ones that require a QUEEN to lay? All of this apparently was done by him tinkering with the wildlife on the planet with the seeds or spores or whatever you want to call them. Idiotic.
During all this a NM shows up, David infects the captain who is clearly the dumbest person in the unit, more people die, it tries to be scary but fails miserably, and Danny McBride flies what looks like a platform out of a Mega Man game down to rescue them, which is shockingly enough the other fun sequence. In which our heroine, seen below wondering why she is in this movie, fights the Xenomorph as McBride struggles to keep control.
Oh also David and Walter fight which is so poorly done that I can’t imagine how it was finished for all the laughing on set. It also sets up a final twist in the film that is about as shocking as a game of peekaboo.
Once our remaining heroes are back on board the Covenant, the film devolves into slasher territory complete with a showering couple as another Xenomorph is unleashed. I’ll leave the rest unspoiled. It’s about as underwhelming as the rest of the film.
The plot is paper thin, the creature effects look like they belong in a Pixar film. Remember how great the Aliens looked in movies from 40 years ago? That’s because they were REAL. These are poorly made CGI cartoons. They’re not menacing. They’re not scary. Nothing in this movie is remotely scary. You see everything coming from a light year away. To think that this movie and Ridley Scott’s murderous choke-hold on this franchise is killing Neil Blomkamp’s Alien 5 is appalling.
Ridley Scott is apparently hell-bent on destroying the franchise he helped create. The ineptitude in these past two films is shocking. His attempt to reintroduce the horror elements of his brilliant original film is a massive failure. Alien Covenant is NOT GOOD. At all. If you take away the atrocious Alien Vs. Predator films, Covenant might just be the worst film of the entire franchise. It certainly is the worst group of characters. Remember that prologue that introduced everyone? That’s your character development. That gay couple? Wouldn’t know they were still in the movie except for one blink and its gone moment that in reality is meaningless because I couldn’t remember who the hell was who. It’s laughable.
Take this franchise away from Ridley Scott. He has no idea what he is doing with it except running it into the ground. Most egregious is the origin of the Xenomorphs. It is such a slap in the face to this franchise and fans. This is something we did not need. The idea that a malfunctioning android created these things is as laughable as it is offensive. It makes zero sense and takes any and all mystery away from the other films. These aren’t an unknown life form, they’re a by-product of human innovation. It’s ridiculous!
No scares, awful script, stilted acting, and an apparent determination to ruin a franchise, all make Alien: Covenant a near disaster in my eyes. Were it not for Michael Fassbender’s performances, I might have walked out. The thought absolutely crossed my mind to do so.
Alien: Covenant is in theaters now.
It’s a near embarrassment saved only by an excellent performance from Michael Fassbender and a couple of mildly entertaining sequences.
Garon Cockrell is the Founder and Editor of Pop Culture Beast and host of The Pop Culture Beast Show. He founded the site over seven years ago to have a place on the internet to write about the things he loved. Since then, Garon has become a best-selling author (Demonic and Other Tales), an award winning screenwriter (Best Screenplay 2013 Motor City Nightmares Film Festival), and a cast member on the top rated podcast, Never Not Funny.